Loneliness

I used to think that being alone was very scary. Not in the sense of staying home alone, of course. I mean socialising. Back then, I felt that if I didn't talk to someone for more than ten minutes, it was the end of the world. Now I compare this state to the way friendly dogs behave when a person walks by. A friendly dog usually wags its tail and lets you pet it.

That's how it used to be with me. But not now, things have changed.

I used to have a group of friends, but then I found a friend who let me know that that whole group wasn't for me at all. I stopped talking to them and no one tried to communicate with me. It just proved that I wasn't even needed there. I want to talk to them all again from time to time, but I get a very strong sense of unease. It would be strange if suddenly your old friend disappeared somewhere and then texted you after a long time. I don't want to tell these people anything at all, because they shouldn't know anything about me.

And now I don't even talk to that special friend anymore, and I'm used to it. Even with my longest friend, I stopped talking to him often, because that same feeling of anxiety started to appear on my mind even when I talk to him. I worry, constantly wondering if my friend needs to know all this about me. I mean, he doesn't need to know it at all. It's not about our common interests, it's just about me. Would he really be interested in knowing all these trivial and unnecessary things? It's not like I'm even doing anything really special. And I know he has lots of friends, and he knows I only have one friend, and that friend is him. So then I just go to him, dump some unnecessary information on his desk and then leave?

Last month we still kept in touch more or less, but even then he was no longer laughing at the funny pictures I sent, nor was he responding to my messages or even reading them. I feel guilty because he called me after a while and told me I could text him and it was fine, but I jokingly said "I'll tell you now 'fine, I'll text you' and then we won't talk again".

And that's what actually happened.

Socialising makes me very anxious. I get anxious when people know my face or know my voice. I find it hard when people know something very important about me. I was once asked to send a picture of me because the person hadn't seen me in a while, but I got very anxious about it and ignored the question. I would have been happy if I had only a black blur instead of my face and even my body. Everything would have been so much easier. I'm fine being alone, I've learned to have fun with no people.

Sure, people are great, but only when they're talking to each other and not to me. I don't want to stress and think about how to say something.

I feel more at ease being there myself.

09.05.2023 14:15

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